Navigating Divorce During the High Holidays: Thoughts and Advice from a Jewish Divorce Lawyer

Judaism’s most holy time is now. The ten days between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur (known as the Days of Awe) is one of reflection, forgiveness, and renewal. But when you’re going through a divorce, this time can feel less like a fresh start and more like salt in an open wound. How do you embrace forgiveness when your marriage is ending, and you feel as if your world is falling apart?

Divorce forgiveness isn’t simple. It’s not about pretending everything is fine or rushing to “move on.” The Jewish tradition of seeking forgiveness during the High Holidays recognizes something profound: forgiveness is a process, not a destination.

When a marriage ends, there are layers of hurt to untangle. There’s the pain you’ve caused, the pain that’s been caused to you, and often, the pain you’ve both caused your children, families, and community. The High Holidays give us a framework to approach this overwhelming emotional landscape systematically.

Start with what you can control: your own actions. Before Rosh Hashanah, Jewish tradition encourages us to apologize to those we’ve hurt. In divorce, this might mean acknowledging your role in the marriage’s breakdown—not taking all the blame, but owning your part. This could sound like: “I’m sorry I became so critical in those last years” or “I’m sorry I stopped trying to understand your perspective.”

The Three-Attempt Rule and Divorce

Jewish law teaches that if you apologize sincerely three times and the person still won’t forgive you, you’ve fulfilled your obligation. This wisdom is particularly relevant in divorce. You cannot control whether your ex-spouse forgives you, but you can control whether you make genuine amends.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is apologize and then step back. Continuing to push for forgiveness can become another form of harm, especially when emotions are raw and legal proceedings are ongoing.

Forgiving When You’re Not Ready

Here’s what the tradition doesn’t require: that you forgive immediately or completely. The Days of Awe between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur exist for a reason—they acknowledge that deep work takes time.

If you’re not ready to forgive your ex-spouse, start smaller. Can you forgive them for one specific incident? Can you release your anger about something minor to make space for healing the bigger wounds later? Forgiveness in divorce often happens in layers, year after year.

Sometimes forgiveness begins not with feeling differently, but with acting differently. Stop telling that story about what they did. Stop checking their social media. Stop using your children as messengers. These actions can create space for your heart to follow.

The Forgiveness You Owe Yourself

By Yom Kippur, Jewish tradition says we should have worked through our relationships with others, leaving us to face the hardest person to forgive: ourselves.

Divorce carries tremendous shame in many communities and cultures, and that shame can be crushing at times when everyone seems to be sitting together as intact families. You might find yourself thinking: “I failed at the most important relationship of my life” or “I’m destroying my children’s stability” or “I should have tried harder.”

The practice of self-forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing harmful behavior or avoiding responsibility. It means recognizing that you’re human, that you made decisions with the information and emotional resources you had at the time, and that your worth isn’t determined by your marital status.

The Gift of Starting Over

Here’s something beautiful about experiencing the High Holidays during divorce: they offer exactly what you need most—permission to begin again. The New Year isn’t just about turning a calendar page; it’s about the radical possibility that you can become who you’re meant to be, even after your marriage ends.

Tradition teaches that on Yom Kippur, we become like angels—pure, forgiven, ready to start fresh. You don’t have to wait until you’re completely healed to access this grace. You just have to be willing to begin.

Moving Forward

How do we forgive when we’re still bleeding? How do we start over when we feel broken? How do we find meaning when our world has been turned upside down? The Jewish calendar offers an answer: one day at a time, one conversation at a time, one act of forgiveness at a time. The High Holidays remind us that redemption is always possible, even in our most broken moments—especially in our most broken moments.

Your divorce may feel like an ending, but Rosh Hashanah insists it’s also a beginning. The question isn’t whether you deserve a fresh start (you do), but whether you’re brave enough to take it.

May this year bring you healing, wisdom, and the courage to forgive—others and yourself. May you find peace in the journey and strength for whatever comes next.